In Case of Critic; Break Glass

Today I came across a curious file before wiping my computer’s harddrive. Not one to pass up on mysterious notes from a former self, I opened inCaseOfCritic-BreakGlass.odt and found a message to a stranger I wrote almost a decade ago.

Eight years ago, I was in an online course to overcome social anxiety. A person posted on the forum that they felt too overwhelmed to engage in the coursework. They lamented how it drove them to procrastinate, creating further distance between them and their goals. I sent them what I hoped would be an encouraging message. I figured I might forget what I learned, so I saved it for my future self too.

Hey L,

It sounds like you are farther along in the course than I am, but procrastinating and freaking out when we challenge ourselves is normal. I’m doing it right now! Haha

There was a time in my life where I met a bear of a man with a soft, open heart. He had been practicing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu for a decade and was answering my questions about it. Brandon was twice my weight and a foot taller than me. One day I told him, “I wouldn’t stand a chance against somebody your size on the mat. Even if I had been doing it as long as you. Even if I was really good.” He gently explained to me why I was wrong.

Brandon told me that beginners always burn themselves out trying to attack their opponent when their opponent has them pinned. He said the more experience practitioners understand this and they simply let the beginners waste their energy. Once the white belts have exhausted themselves with panic and frustration they don’t stand a chance. But if they learn to defend themselves against their own panic then they can methodically turn the tables on their opponent no matter the size difference.

Years later I went to a Jiu Jitsu class. At the beginning of the week I was frantically struggling each time I was pinned (all the time). I had learned the mechanics. But they didn’t work. It made me angry. In my anger I pushed hard against my opponent. Nothing worked. By the end of the week I had remembered Brandon’s words and those of my instructor. I started to breathe more deeply when I was pinned. I moved more slowly. I was more intentional about conserving my energy. And it worked! I wasn’t able to best my opponent by the end of the week. But my match-ups were lasting longer and longer.

J is right. It’s okay to take a break. It can feel like we are trapped under a heavyweight identity that is not serving us. I’m scared I won’t ever get over it sometimes. It’s going to take a lot of energy and intention to find our way to best our inner challengers. Maybe we try choosing to intentionally conserve our energy in the face of inner criticism?

We could end up procrastinating in times where our struggle would regularly wear us out enough. For me, my procrastination makes me fearful that I’ll lose my progress or forget the valuable lessons I’ve learned. It’s gas on a fire and it leaves me feeling burnt out. But what if it was more like Jiu Jitsu? What if we remember that we’re under heavyweight identities and we take focused action to not over-react? What if instead of misdirected force we gathered our energy? What if instead of getting worn out by our opponents we let them wear themselves out? What if we got ourselves into a position of control over our inner critics?

Let’s gather our power! Gather our energy! Let’s not give it to the inner critics. Instead we can be intentional. We can take breaks. We can choose rest instead of sliding into procrastination. We can do this.

You got this, sir. You can do it!

My inner critic and perfectionism has been flaring across my life these last few weeks. Work, friendships, projects, dating, civic life: everywhere I could take more action until I burn myself out. And I nearly have too. Thankfully, before beginning a new project, inCaseOfCritic-BreakGlass.odt reminded me to stop with intention and that burn-out is not a measure of success. Sometimes action is counter-productive. So I am reminded of a passage by Thich Nhat Hanh:

When people say, “Don’t just site there, do something,” they’re urging you to act. But if the quality of your being is poor – if you don’t have enough peace, understanding, and equanimity, if you still have a lot of anger and worries – then your actions will also be poor. Your actions should be based on the foundation of a high quality of being. Being is non-action, so the quality of action depends on the quality of non-action. Non-action is already something. There are people who don’t seem to do very much, but their presence is crucial for the well-being of the world. You may know people like this, who are steady, not always busy doing things, not making a lot of money, or being engaged in a lot of projects, but who are very important to you; the quality of their presences makes them truly available. They are contributing non-action, the high quality of their presence. To be in the here and the now – solid and fully alive – is a very positive contribution to our collective situation.